Saturday, February 15, 2014

alfie lyle is a month old!

A month ago today I did the hardest thing I've ever done. And I fell in a deep love I never knew existed. Alfred has totally changed our lives. I've only begun to process what having a child means and I am in awe. Every day that he remembers how to breathe and eat and digest and blink is just a total miracle. Babies are so much smarter than we think! So much more capable.

Well, I wish I could report that he was just an angel baby and so easy, but the truth is, he's giving me a run for my money! It's so hard to know what babies want, and while I feel like my instincts are right on, I'm pretty lost! Haha, don't get me wrong, he's not a terrible baby either! He just is very particular. But if he's sleeping or eating-he's happy. He also has what I call "happy minute". Right after he's done eating, I pause to look at him for a while-it's my favorite time. He is so blissfully happy! After about a minute he starts to cry as he needs to be burped, but for that minute he is so irresistible! 

I'm getting used to being a "stay-at-home-mom". That first day truly alone with Aflie had me scared out of my mind. Not scared I wouldn't know what to do (well, that too) but mostly scared that after all of this, I wasn't going to like being a mom. Sounds weird, I know. But what if there were more cons than pros? What if after 9 months of suffering, where the only thought of sanity was holding my new baby wasn't worth it? (I think postpartum depression also plays a role in these thoughts) What I have found so far this week is that, no, it's not bliss every second. It's frustrating when your baby cries for seemingly no reason. And it's hard to sacrifice your nights' rest. It's hard for me not to be out and about all the time because I don't want to disrupt his sleeping pattern. It's gross to change diapers. It's frustrating when spit up is all over your third shirt of the day. BUT for that fleeting second when you catch a sleeping smile, for the moments you catch yourself staring at his sleeping angel face, for my "happy minute", for the second that he clings to hold on to your finger, for the second he does that billy goat sigh of contentment, it's all worth it.

Loving this new human being doesn't mean loving him only when he's cute or easy to love. This new parental love has opened me up to love him when he's screaming away for some reason I don't know. To not immediately go to frustration, but to feel compassion and want to do anything to make him happy, even at my expense. It's amazing to feel yourself open up to be that human being for someone else. And I guess that's the payback. That through the hard, frustrating, gross stuff, you feel yourself be transformed to someone you didn't know you could become. It's only the beginning, but I think so many seasoned moms are so accustomed to feeling this way they've forgotten that it was a transformation. I wanted to document that it truly is. 

1 comment:

Kara said...

Best review of motherhood (parenthood!!) I've read. It's one of the hardest tasks we are bestowed in this life but such an awesome responsibility at the same time. You're doing great!!!